


selfish

by xinmood



Category: Produce 101, Wanna One
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Oneshot, Pining, Post-Break Up, Songfic, because the world needs more ongwoon, ongwoon, seongwoo really emotional yall, seongwoo-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 01:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15353541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinmood/pseuds/xinmood
Summary: He wished, beyond all odds, that he could have been a thing worthy of love. Worthy of Sungwoon.But Ong Seongwoo knew, in all his selfishness, that he would stay in his place and let the boy he had spent years loving walk right out of his life. Perhaps temporarily. Probably for a lifetime.And despite the initial sick feeling in his gut, he knew he would be okay with that.





	selfish

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by my own dumb emotions and ikon's rubber band :')
> 
> i hope you enjoy reading, lovelies.

_Our memories are breaking apart_

_One of us has to let go of these hands_

 

“I need a break,” He began, a note of tremor in his voice. “From everything. From this. From you.”

 

It started out as a dull nothingness on his heart as he took in the former boy’s words. They hung in the air, begging to be hit away, begging to be rid of. But the silence between them was unyielding, and the dull nothingness behind his few words began to grow into a heavy, thrumming ache - one that tugged sharply at his chest in a steady rhythm. One that left the boy’s mouth dry, the words dying in his throat.

 

_thumpthumpthumpthumpthump._

 

Seongwoo blinked. A calm facade against the turmoil of thoughts flurrying about in his mind.

 

 _He’s breaking up with me,_ his mind enunciates, each syllable an anchor on his body, dragging him deeper into the solemn realisation that this was _really_ happening to him, that what he feared the most was about to be true - that he was ultimately the one who was too selfish, too distracted, too immature.

 

_thumpthumpthumpthump._

 

Sungwoon’s eyes bore into his, as if desperately searching for something. At this Seongwoo struggled, his mouth moving to form words yet none graced them both. He did nothing but watch as the former shifted away. The boy’s turbulent expression smoothed into a mask of ice, and Seongwoo knew that that was that.

 

“It seems like you prefer it this way,” Sungwoon mused, his voice soft but cutting, and Seongwoo felt the knife twist in his chest.

 

“I-I’m sorry,” Seongwoo whispered into the blanket of silence between them both. He winced as soon as the apology left his lips, the same time Sungwoon chuckled in disbelief.

 

Seongwoo hated it. He hated being at a loss for words when he had always been a master at them. He hated that no matter how much he convinced himself he was selfless, he was very much inherently the opposite. He hated that even up to that point, he couldn’t feel the remorse nor the fight within him.

 

_Thump, thump, thump._

 

His fingers twitched to move, to reach for him, to wipe the tears he never shed. He wished incessantly that he had the will to gather Sungwoon in his arms and talk his ear off, to atone for his mistakes, to treat Sungwoon with the respect he deserved. He _wished_ , beyond all odds, right at that moment, that he could have been a thing worthy of love. Worthy of Sungwoon.

 

But Ong Seongwoo knew, in all his selfishness, that he would stay in his place and let the boy he had spent years loving walk right out of his life. Perhaps temporarily. Probably for a lifetime.

 

And despite the initial sick feeling in his gut, he knew he would be okay with that.

 

His shoulders remained tense as he watched Sungwoon turn and walk away. The thread between them buzzed, pulled, strained - and then it snapped.

 

Only when Sungwoon’s silhouette disappeared into the right alley did he allow himself to breathe.

 

_You and I, we’re both so sly_

_Neither of us want to be the bad guy_

_Like walking on a sheet of ice_

_We’re so risky right now_

 

He couldn’t really recall when it all started to fall apart. His mind walked him through weeks, months back - times when he truly felt like there was no other than Sungwoon. When he was sure the both of them could do everything and anything together - he was his partner-in-crime, his confidant, his lover and his best friend.

 

Those were times when he felt truly happy.

 

 _Maybe I never really was,_ Seongwoo mused, his fingers tapping against the shot glass in front of him. He knocked it back and welcomed the burn in his throat, letting out a low hiss at its imposing sensation. He liked it that way. It was better to block out his unremitting thoughts. _Less pain,_ he assured himself.

 

The moment the burn faded and his thoughts quietened, his guilt rose to the forefront of his mind. Guilt of his emotions, or lack thereof. The pain of his love for Sungwoon, what was once so strong and so unrelenting, fading into an unsettling void. He shut his eyes tight, shaking his head in a drunken stupor to will the heaviness away. His palm rose to dispel the ache in his temple, but the gloom-ridden feeling continued to pulse in a sinister tempo.

 

It was so unfair to Sungwoon, he had rationalised. The boy had given him so much. He had loved him unconditionally, been the absolute sweetheart. He was a victim to Seongwoo.

 

 _But he never took care of himself. He whined. He never listened to me. He was a burden on my mind._ The unbidden thoughts grew louder in his drunken haze, and he felt himself agree somewhat half-heartedly. The statement held truth that he - sober - would never say out loud. He deemed it a selfish thought. An unfair one, although he had all the right to feel that way - Seongwoo just never wanted to give Sungwoon any fault.

 

It was easier on his conscience that _he_ was the bad one. That it was a one-sided relationship. It gave him reason to believe that it would be easier for Sungwoon to move on.

 

Seongwoo’s stomach churned. Perhaps he was running away from the problem, as he always had.

 

He laughed as he tasted the salt on his lips. A sense of doom lingered over his head as his palms worked to rub at his eyes tiredly. Wordlessly he downed another shot and laid his head in his hands.

 

_I really am a ridiculously selfish bastard._

 

_Even though it was so cold_

_Your jacket pocket was as hot as the summer_

_I hope you’ll cherish the beautiful memories_

_During this winter night_

 

He thought back to the very beginning.

 

It had been an innocent, absent minded sort of longing that settled upon him. The way he would perk up the moment Sungwoon entered the room, bringing with him a certain kind of vibrancy that had made Seongwoo forget how to breathe.

 

When he thought about it initially, he was sure he had been magicked by the deities above. Sungwoon had a coruscating aura that surrounded him invariably, one that demanded to be seen and to be acknowledged. It was an aura that had left Seongwoo feeling absolutely spellbound - just by Sungwoon being his unapologetically jubilant self. He had watched as Sungwoon laughed, noticing the way his body lined up with his emotions - eyes twinkling in careless vulnerability, in a manner of uncaring confidence. He glanced away just as the former man looked in his direction. He let his hand run through his hair in a nonchalant fashion, a visible exhale passing through his lips noncommittally.

 

Seongwoo had shrugged his thoughts off, writing them off as a quiet appreciation of character for his colleague. Though in the back of his mind, he knew it was too late. The rise of his heartbeat was all too apparent and all too loud in his ears - all because of Sungwoon.

 

 _All because of him, and the sound of his_ goddamn _endearing laughter._

 

\----

 

It was seeing him smile. Seeing him in his element, lips curled softly, eyes casting a gaze so full of emotion that he deemed himself unworthy of it - that Seongwoo felt his thoughts click into place, the usual chaos lowering into a quiet hum that had his body reeling. His mind housed only one coherent thought. At that, he was resolute. He was convinced. He-

 

“Seongwoo, are you alright?” Sungwoon spoke, disrupting his unheard conversation. His mind went into a frenzy.

 

 _You have to say it. You have to say it_ , now _._

 

He held his tongue, willing his brain to cooperate with his rationality. He couldn’t afford to ruin what he barely had.

 

“Seongwoo..?” This time, Sungwoon had the nerve to _smile._

 

_For fuck’s sake._

 

“I like you,” the words leave him in a whispered haste, and his eyes screwed shut at a disquieting feeling that overcame his body.

 

The characteristic, rational side of his brain caught up to him after a beat and he let out a playful groan, making a show of his embarrassment and his inner panic. His hands covered his face and his head tilted itself to align with the night sky, inwardly willing it to steal him away from the predicament he had put himself in. At the back of his mind, he noticed Sungwoon’s shorter frame remain silent and unmoving.

 

“Um, I’m sorry I just sprung that on you, I just - I had to - I,” he stuttered, head still in his hands. “I just. You… You _smiled,_ okay. How was I supposed to re-”

 

“You’re about the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met,” Sungwoon interrupted, and Seongwoo dared to peek from behind his fingers. He swore he felt his heart stop for a solid minute.

 

Because Sungwoon, _damn him,_ was smiling _. Again._

 

_For. Fuck’s. Sake._

 

_Our love temperature is a bit lukewarm_

_These days, I wanna be alone, oh no_

_I don’t even get angry anymore_

_I know after this phase ends,_

_it’ll really be the end_

 

“All I’m saying is that you should consider it,” Seongwoo chided, his tone unsettlingly light in an attempt to dispel the heavy atmosphere that followed their conversation.

 

“Yeah, I know, I will,” Sungwoon replied offhandedly from over the phone, and Seongwoo felt his heart sink. “I’ll call you tomorrow, gotta run.”

 

He cleared his throat of its sudden dryness before speaking. “Sure, okay. Be safe.”

 

“I always am,” Sungwoon chuckled and Seongwoo distantly heard the door of a car slam shut. “Goodnight, I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Seongwoo answered automatically like it was second nature to him. Though this time, admittedly, the words felt like lead upon his lips. The dial tone beeps for a minute before he puts his phone down and lets out a tired sigh, laying back down on his couch, his thoughts a myriad of incoherence.

 

Seongwoo’s exhaustion was a build-up of many things. He was frustrated at how Sungwoon brushed matters off too easily, especially the ones that pertained to his health. He was frustrated that his advice fell on deaf ears and that Sungwoon didn’t take him seriously - repeating his barrel of complaints about his lethargic state in response to Seongwoo’s genuine words. He hated that he hadn’t seen Sungwoon in weeks because of their schedules and he hated that he was beginning to feel a rift in their relationship.

 

He was stricken by the realisation that he was _angry_. At a number of things - but most of all he was angry at how helpless he felt, at how he couldn’t push himself to be more loving, couldn’t be more caring when his partner had been in pain.

 

The feelings he kept pent up lingered for a long time in his head. His body sagged, a physical acknowledgement to the turmoil he felt within him.

 

He could feel it all slipping away from his slackened grasp - which once upon a time, was strong and admirably relentless. There was no more guilt in his heart as his expression morphed into one of apathy born from an unprecedented drain on his youthful vigor.

 

 _Perhaps this is for the best._ He repeated the phrase, strengthening, testing its conviction.

 

And so he reached a conclusion. He turned off his phone, tossed it on the table and forced his eyes shut. The thoughts went away as soon as he had willed it.

 

He didn’t have the fight within him anymore.

 

_It was a really good journey_

_Don’t think I can forget you easily_

_After all this time_

_Our end has finally come_

 

The first sip was always the most bitter.

 

Seongwoo let out a grimace as he set down the cup of coffee in his hands. Blinking away the sleep in his eyes, he stretched his neck, a shuddering breath passing through his lips. _It’s been a while,_ he thought, his fingers fiddling with the cafe menu in front of him. Turning around on his seat at the cafe table he scanned the dim vicinage.

 

It wasn’t very packed - the usual for a Thursday night in December, he registered. He noticed two office workers chatting in the middle and a few other patrons scattered about, all with laptops and academic books littering their small table. He paused when he noticed a middle-aged man in the far corner, letting his gaze linger on his hunched form. It was a form that you’d expect from someone in a bar - stereotypically distraught - not usually from someone who frequented a quaint little cafe, with fairy lights and motivational posters as a neat little backdrop. Perhaps the lone man on the other side of the room brought Seongwoo a strange, almost cynical feeling of comfort. The man had an aged look etched on his features - brows furrowed in a permanent frown, stress wrinkles on his forehead… but it was his eyes that gave his inner turmoil away. Seongwoo turned his gaze, thinking he was imposing on a private moment.

 

Or perhaps it was really just him fearing that he’d see a reflection of himself in those eyes.

 

Suddenly he was all aware of the veiled niceties in each of the patron’s faces. The dark circles under the college students’ eyes, the laptop bags that he now noticed seemed to be tossed away in frustration, the messages on their phones left unanswered. The office workers loosening their ties, absentmindedly massaging their temples every now and then.

 

Seongwoo worked his jaw, his lips tilting into a wry smile at the sight. “Me too, buddy,” he whispered, bringing the cup to his lips once more in a silent toast. “Me too.”

 

Pursing his lips, his fingers toyed with the emptying coffee cup before setting it down and letting his hands return to his sides. He was - it pained him to admit it - _stressed._ The numerous projects he’d been taking on kept piling up on his back and to make things worse, he got scolded that day. It troubled him that he had been off his A-game for weeks now. His work, what was once a means of distraction and what was once enjoyable, had left him wishing he never pursued a career in entertainment at all.

 

His eyes gravitated to the college student who was typing away furiously on his keyboard.

 

 _Perhaps I should’ve studied academics, instead,_ he mused to himself, but then his eyes caught the worn calculus textbook beside the boy. He winced.

 

_Never mind._

 

The jingle of the door distracted him from his mild amusement. He took a sip of his drink before looking nonchalantly over at the door, expecting another bleary-eyed student to enter the establishment.

 

What he didn’t expect was to see Ha Sungwoon with his coat billowing behind him like he came from a scene of a movie. His hair mussed uncaringly, nose scrunched and dusted pink from the harsh bite of wind.

 

Seongwoo felt his jaw slacken.

 

It had been by total coincidence. Fate’s game of mockery and mischief - a cliché coffee shop setting against the backdrop of a snowy, harsh winter evening. Motivational posters yelling at his back, laughing at his very existence.

 

 _Fate must really hate me,_ Seongwoo gaped, a million and one thoughts entering his mind. He did _not_ want to be reminded of him, today of all days. It had been months since the incident, and seeing him brought a bitterness to his tongue not even the coffee could have delivered. He was about to shrink into himself even further, wishing for the first time he wasn’t so tall. But before he could make a break for it Sungwoon’s cursed eyes turned to lock with his.

 

He watched as Sungwoon’s lips started to tilt into a cautious smile. Sungwoon shook himself from his stagnant position, slowly putting his left foot forward.

 

And went towards him, taking a seat across the poor man.

 

“Hey,” Sungwoon began, his voice unsure. “I decided I wanted to talk to you, because I didn’t like how we left things before.”

 

His mind was reeling. Why _is he here? Why now? What did I do to deserve this today?_

 

Seongwoo’s fists clenched beneath the table, his heartbeat a slow crescendo in his ears. He had told himself he would never breach the subject of _S_ ever again - _S_ meaning Shortie, Sungwoon, and Sadness, among other things. Being faced with the situation before him ignited a burning desire for him to run away. To quickly, desperately, just get up and walk away from whatever consequence _S_ would bring.

 

But he decided to reject every bone in his body screaming at him to flee and be brave for once, like how he perceived Sungwoon to be doing. So the man took a step forward from his declared safe zone, a friendly smile gracing his lips like an armor, and ventured.

 

“I’d like that, actually,” he replied, his voice quiet but resolute. In retrospect, he much preferred that Sungwoon had approached him first knowing how things had ended between them. _Perhaps_ , he wanted to convince himself, _this could go well._

 

An inevitably awkward silence ensued. Seongwoo jumped at the chance to break it, his usual façade of calm settling across his body.

 

“How’d you find me here?” Seongwoo inquired, a casual smile hiding his brief hesitation. He blinked as Sungwoon’s eyes darted to his lips and back to his eyes so quickly he thought it was a figment of his imagination. The action sent a wave of nausea through his head, but he inwardly dismissed the feeling away. Sungwoon chuckled nervously and mentioned something about taking his chances, which Seongwoo barely registered but nodded regardless.

 

It was silent following that, only because Seongwoo knew that Sungwoon was gathering his thoughts just like he was. Even after all this time, Seongwoo could read him like an open book. It reminded him of just how easy it was to talk to him all those months ago. It reminded him of why he had grown to love him in the first place. He would have smiled at the sentiment of it all, but Sungwoon began to speak and so he quelled his thoughts.

 

“I’m sorry for walking out like that,” Sungwoon started. His tone was earnest, sincere. It reminded Seongwoo so much of the halcyon times between them and for a second his heart hurt from the irreversible change of it all. But he forced his mind to quieten, and decided to channel his attention on Sungwoon’s long overdue words instead.

 

Sungwoon apologised for his faults. He apologised for his haste and his damned nonchalance to things that mattered to Seongwoo. The latter remained still, hands cupping his now cooling cup of coffee, and remained so long after Sungwoon was done talking.

 

“You know, I thought I hated you for disregarding my words,” Seongwoo spoke after a while, his speech akin to a rush of water beginning to burst out of a worn-down dam. “But then I realised that I had yet to mature myself.”

 

Seongwoo’s fingers tapped absentmindedly on the cup as he talked, the river of thoughts flowing from his lips - his words raw, genuine, and heartfelt. He talked about his past worries, his feelings, the drift that had been so apparent between them. He talked about things that, months ago, he would never have dared let leave his lips. He talked and Sungwoon listened. He _listened._ And that was all that Seongwoo could’ve wanted.

 

For a long while, they stood beneath the twinkling starlight together, both looking upon the sky. Perhaps they were looking at what could have been. What was once the backdrop for a moment of innocence and playfulness was now that of truth and a peculiar sort of fragility the both of them thought they’d never encounter.

 

No words were exchanged between them at the time. Seongwoo didn’t ask him how he was, or what he had been up to, and neither did he. He knew in his heart that _this_ was them getting closure, seeking peace after months of unresolved obscurities and tumultuous yearning. After this, there would be nothing. It was closure that the both of them deserved.

 

“Thank you, Seongwoo,” Sungwoon was the first to break the silence, his words heavy but relieving at the same time. “For loving me, and for allowing me to love you in turn.”

 

Seongwoo didn’t look to face him. He willed his voice to be clear before he spoke. “You gave me memories that would last a lifetime. Thank you for loving this nut of a human being,” he joked, only because his eyes stung and he wouldn’t dare let his cursed tears fall. Not right then.

 

He heard Sungwoon laugh from beside him and the sound ignited a distant, burning ache in his chest - though the feeling had lessened in comparison to before. He took comfort in that small fact as the weight on his shoulders had finally started to dissipate.

 

Seongwoo could feel the volume of his thoughts soften to a pleasant hum, a strange sort of happiness settling on his heart. Knowing that this would be their last encounter, neither wanting to trudge up old emotions and neither wanting to try again, brought upon him a sadness that was surprisingly liberating. He knew that this would be the last time they would talk as friends - if he could even call them that. As a distant memory, a once upon a time in the 23 odd years of his lifetime. And he was okay with that.

 

For the first time in a long while, the man let a smile grace his lips.

 

And with that he took a deep breath and turned back the way he had come.

 

 _We had a good run_  
_No more lingering feelings_  
_After many seasons_ _  
Our end has finally come_

**Author's Note:**

> please pardon any mistakes huhu. wrote this on a roll at 3am and had to get it out before I lost the motivation to finish it.
> 
> i hope that this was still readable and enjoyable despite the mess of recurring words and imagery that might've been lost in my haste of getting this out [ skuLL EMOJI ] !!!


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